Updated: Mar 31
A few weeks ago I ran my car into a parked car trying to parallel park. And this wasn't the first time in the last couple years. I kept banging the right side of my car into things and it was really starting to feel like I had some sort of dis-order or that I couldn't see. I was not so upset that I had this last car accident, thankfully no one was ever hurt, but the "why" did I keep smashing the right side of my car and breaking things? This was frustrating me and I felt like something might be wrong with me, I was a little worried. I had been breaking a lot of things in my life and after the last accident my frustration really felt more like anger, but I don't get angry, hardly ever. That day and week after my car accident, I felt it bubbling up. I could feel my eyes get piercing like I was going to shoot daggers if anyone looked at me and I wanted to break everything in site! These emotions are life's way of clueing us in to what we need to address in ourselves. This did not feel like the me I sit with most days and was clearly telling me something had been hiding dormant or was starting to feel safe to rise up.
I could sense that my anger was not really about the car accident, it was something else that was creeping to the surfaced making me uncomfortable. I pictured my body as a container that was holding this anger and was starting to leak. Spurts of anger were spouting off through the cracks that were starting to give way. I was not only breaking my car, but other delicate objects were slipping out of my right hand smashing to the floor. I had also been breaking my relationships. It was pretty apparent to me the universe was saying, "Hello, time to wake up and learn something today! Or go ahead and keep breaking things if you want."
This is where the yoga mat meets the road. It is one thing to be aware of our tendencies, but to really transform the energy and release the perception that is the source of these actions it is necessary to turn the mirror of life back onto ourselves and become curious about the why and what? It is in fact the emotion that leads us to the answers and the transformation. Don't be afraid of them. Apparently, the universe saw to it that I get to know my anger or my lack there of. Where has it been and why is it I don't feel it very often? I am not saying we should all be angry, but it is an emotion that is a valid part of the whole, it is part of the shadow side and how we learn from it is vital to living more fully and with less of it. It is this side of me that seems to have been separated from the rest of the me I call "me". This is the dialog I hear in my head is this, "I am sweet and kind and I don't get mad, I am so patient." And you might think, well that's a pretty good dialog to have, but just because it is not a negative loop, doesn't mean there are not false perceptions hiding. Look at it a little closer. "I don't get mad." Much of why I don't get mad is for really positive reasons, I naturally look to the bright side of the dark, but balance and harmony comes when we are also able to look at the the dark side. If I am not getting mad to avoid the dark side because it makes me feel uncomfortable, then this is not serving the truth and I am not practicing Satya. If we avoid the truth in the moment well it creates unease in the physical and energetic body causing us to be in separation with ourselves. Separation within leads to separation, rejection and avoidance on the outside. I tend to retreat away from anyone that expresses anger and if there is a chance that my actions have caused someone to feel angry and will cause a conflict it feels even worse to me. I want to be in complete denial, just like I deny my own anger. Do we want to spend time around people who throw their anger on us and play the blame game? No of course not, but there is a difference between being around people who are chronically angry or abusive and avoiding situations or conflict because we don't like to see people express their anger and discomfort as an admonishment of the emotional truth. Not expressing your own anger in a thoughtful way of acknowledgement only creates a holding pattern in our own bodies and spirit.
If we say we want harmony in our lives, we need to be harmonious on the inside and be open to healing the why we might be angry. For me, my continuous breaking of things on my right side signaled to me my masculine energies were out of balance. I was mad at masculinity as it is perceived and has been passed along in our culture as a controlling energy and energy that steals power from each other. Using our masculine energies in this way is based in fear, not love and not in harmony. It is my masculine energies which drive me to act in the same way as the people I try to avoid and dislike in my relationships! When my masculine energy is operating from fear, it takes control, can be careless with people and things and has learned to take action to trying to control an outcome, for protection and to stay comfortable and avoid a conflict. I was pissed off that I was perpetuating the cycle that has been my experience and was feeling like I wanted to blame all masculine existence, except I can't do that because even though I am female, I have a divine masculine side. In condemning all masculine energies, I would also be condemning myself. This would not be acting in love towards myself and will create further separation and conflict in myself and outside myself. This is not what I want.
To heal a new perspective and relationship with our masculine balance needs to be created. The divine masculine does not exist to control the feminine or any other being, it was created to "lead". Our masculine sides are there to lift each other up, to support with strength, consistency, not to steal or own each others light. Masculine power comes in knowing how to use that beautiful strength to connect and raise each others light, how to stand in your ground, fierce and proud.
We all have to make peace with the sides of ourselves that we are avoiding. The essence of practicing yoga is to unite and reduce the separations we have created in our minds. Fear drives us to separate and love drives us to unify. Let our masculine invite in the balance of the feminine; to provide forgiveness and compassion, to dissolve the hardness and reduce the separations. Teach each other to be strong in our masculine energies maintaining the balance of a feminine open heart. Which side of your divine essence are you afraid of and can you loving invite it back with forgiveness for not seeing the whole.
Here are some yoga asana to help bring balance to both masculine and feminine power. Postures that are divinely open hearted and have strength of root and core power.
Warrior I & II- Virabhadrasana I & II
Triangle Pose ~Utthita Trikonasana
Side Angle Pose ~ Utthita Parsvakonasana
Chair (thunderbolt/Fierce) Pose ~ Utkatasana
Goddess Pose ~ Utkata Konasana
Tree Pose ~ Vrksasana
Dancers Pose ~ Natarajasana
Two other practice that I love that teach divine balance are acro yoga and partner dancing, both which require masculine and feminine energies to be balanced for natural harmony and rhythm.
Peace. Love. Balance.